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- a sluggish memory
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Tuesday, October 09, 2007
times moving on day by day. and i dont know why i cant get my life straight. i'm starting to feel a lot of stress for reasons which i cannot source. am i studying too hard? bullshit. i dont i'm even putting in half the effort i'm supposed to. even though i'd normally spend quite a few hours studying everyday. i dont know. i really dont. i do feel that i'm trying. much harder than last time in fact. i used to just do it to go through the motion. but now's different but i dont know why i still dont feel i'm even half there, and at the same time i dont always succeed in fighting myself to get something done properly. i dont know where my head is. honestly and these upcoming weeks are gonna be downhill from here. and theres still work to complete and tests to do before the exam. i dont know.. am i just weak? i've always been a lagging student here and day by day i'm feeling more dumb and inferior when i compare myself to friends. i dont get it. why is it so hard to bring myself down and not be so reserved, shy, overprotective, defensive and hurtful? today has been a really horrible day. from tip to tail i think i've only felt happy for about five minutes. i'm losing strength. in soul, spirit and body. and again, i dont know why. this feeling sucks. its like theres no excuse to feel horrible and mad about something but at the same time you do. but yes. i hope this loss of power will help me to be less of an arrogant bastard and to listen more. i need the hand of a friend right now. and somehow when i reflect, i feel too ashamed to face any of my loved ones, both family and friends. more so for my family. i just dont know.. I'm really really losing strength. but i think with this last month i need to stand up and pull on. and cross the line with the load completely in tact. i need to start loving what i need to do, much as i once used to immaturely dislike it. |
